President Obama’s job-creation plan, as reported by The Onion, includes:
* Everyone permitted one fake college degree per resumé
* Government program to train unemployed factory workers to weld 500 joints a minute so they stay competitive with robots
* Offer generous early retirement packages to workers who are extremely good at their jobs, thereby creating four to five new positions for incompetent morons
* Upping education spending to help ensure that Americans’ English communication skills are on par with India’s and China’s by 2018
The Onion is a satirical publication.